~ Abide Within ~: Recovery

My Heart

"I'm going to do it," I'm going to face my fears." I walked closer. On tip toes I could

Barely reach the knob. Then with a gentle nudge it opened. As I stepped inside emotions

surrounded me...hesitation, curiosity, shame, guilt, love and hope. "Hello, is anyone there?" It was hard to see, I looked up and there was no end to this vast space. Glimpses of light shown through tiny cracks like stars out on the deep of a nights sky.

I wanted to go further. I began to walk around guided by small rays of light illuminating the darkness. I could hear a childs cry and then sounds of laughter, they were faint in the distance. These sounds brought me great joy mingled with sorrow. I questioned, "Who is this?", I felt as if I knew. "It's me, your heart", I took a step, but fear entangled my every move. I cried out, "God help me, I'm affraid!". I then felt Him close beside me, for He had been there all along. I reached out and took His hand and we began to visit places I had long forgotten, my past. My wounds and my sorrow were deep, I never took the time to look within. For this journey will lead me to healing...precious healing.

I look back to the day when my heart was swept away by you, you my Lord. Thank you Savior, my comforter, my guide. You saved me, for it is you I long to know, it is you I want to stand beside. Take me deep, take me far beyond my fear of the unknown. Heal my deepest darkest wounds. Restore to me my heart, create in me a clean heart. 9/05

Drink the living water~

S Self-control - Ability to control one's behavior

O Optimism - Hopeful view, expect results to be good

B Boundries - A line that marks a limit

R Responsibility - Account for one's actions

I Integrity - Honesty, incorruptibility

E Endurable - Able to endure

T Tenacious - Holding firmly to something

Y Yahweh - God, corresponding with Jehovah

The solution is up to me~

Dysfunction comes from the giving and receiving of unhealed wounds by imperfect people. We sit on a mountian of pain waiting for a temporary dose of freedom from a bottle or a pipe. We must desperately desire recovery with the same passion with which we pursued drugs and alcohol.

Recovery relies only on my changing to a more mature behavior, creating a loving and understanding relationship with myself modeled on how God relates to me. Allowing myself to own the full depth and range of feelings that are triggered by the hurt I recall. Respond myself with attention, compassion, comfort and containment. Feelings can be experienced, expressed, and explored without acting out, condemning, judging or losing control. Emotional healing emerges from repeated sharing of painful experiences with the accompanying feelings, until anger, anxiety, and fear are greatly deminished.

The mind absorb everything from childhood, and these experiences and the reactions to them create the first and most powerful framework from which we understand life.

I need to change my identities and life beliefs so that I no longer reflect defensive reactions to pain and problems, but rather incorporate spirituality and recovery tools for healing and growth. I need to practice repeatedly a more positive relationship with myself by treating myself with consideration, respect and sensitivity.

Okay, change is a little scary to me right now...who am I really? A child of God, I know. The challange for me is caring and comforting myself. Modeling how God relates to me to myself. I am worth it!