but the evil which I would not, that I do." Rom 7:19
"God's Grace delivered me from
addictions and compulsions to a life of
contentment and peace"
addictions and compulsions to a life of
contentment and peace"
In 1982 I was a single Mom at twenty-one. I had a sweet little girl and wanted to settle my life down for her. Previously, I had left home at sixteen. Never staying in one place very long and having lots of parties and drug use. My brothers were dealers so I started using marijuana by the age of thirteen. After my daughter was born I started going back to church and that's when I met my husband Ron. We got married January 1984.
A short time later he joined the AirForce and we celebrated our first anniversary in Zweibrucken Germany. Zweibrucken Baptist Church was a military church off base. We started attending there and began to learn more about the Bible. Ron had been saved when he was a teen, I grew up in church, but had a personal walk with the Lord. After attending ZBC for three years, God started preparing my heart for salvation and I got saved in January 1988. We were stationed at McClellen AFB in Sacramento, California from August 1988-1991. Ron left the AirForce October 1991 and by this time I had seven years of marijuana sobriety.
Shortly after moving back to Oregon, I experienced a devastating emotional experience. The incident remained unresolved for many years. The stress caused my health to deteriorate and I had become overwhelmed. On the outside I tried hard to keep it together, my coping skills broke down and I started using drugs and alcohol as an escape.
I knew God was there for all the time, but I'd choose to reach out for something tangible, something I could feel so I didn't have to feel the pain. My faith had become weak and I had become a liar to myself and my family. I'd have off and on sobriety, but it was the roller coaster ride I hated most. I couldn't understand my lack of self control.
This isn't what I wanted! I had marijuana sobriety for five years again, but my alcohol consumption had gotten worse.
At this time even my trust in christian authority had been tested and I came to realize that even man can't have all the answers we seek. Each situation is unique to each of us. I felt hopeless and I needed time to think, so that's when I moved out on my own in October 2009. Out on my own, I didn't have to care what anyone else did, it didn't affect me anymore. I wanted a divorce. I was angry and I didn't care who knew it.
When I was away I was introduced to a precious christian couple by my oldest daughter, she knew them from church and had heard their testimony. I met with the wife and listened to a very similar story to my own. They came along-side me and without condemnation lovingly directed my eyes back to Jesus. Even while I still struggled, they held me up in prayer. I was encouraged. Their act of kindness is the very reason I am back with my husband today.
Who am I not to love and forgive? Who was I to condemn? I was so ashamed of my actions and I know now how precious my marriage is. God is faithful!! He knows our struggles. He sees the true desire of our heart to do right. His forgiveness is sufficiant.
"In obeying the compulsions of our carnal self we become bound to another will other than our own as a renewed child of Christ".
Who am I not to love and forgive? Who was I to condemn? I was so ashamed of my actions and I know now how precious my marriage is. God is faithful!! He knows our struggles. He sees the true desire of our heart to do right. His forgiveness is sufficiant.
"In obeying the compulsions of our carnal self we become bound to another will other than our own as a renewed child of Christ".
I'm not affraid anymore. I'm not a dissappointment to my Lord. He loves me and will continue to use this broken vessel for His glory. Amen!
